The fastest path to scoring a date is to stand out from the crowd. It seems like
these nine funny singles took things a little bit too far. Here are nine
examples of how NOT to word your phone chat welcome message.
"There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match
up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of
those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on
"Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a
passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily
tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for
whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks."
"Morbidly overweight, seriously competitive computer gamer with creative genius
online persona... seeking svelte, kinky sex vixen for impossible fantasy role
play. Some willingness to assist with basic bodily functions required."
"Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert,
drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse
with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums."
"I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching
Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the
subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often.
Must wear size five shoes."
"When I was thirty my dates had to be young, tall, handsome, rich, intelligent.
Now I'm 64, they only have to know how to read and use the telephone!"
"Possibly the last person you want to be stood next to at a house-party you’ve
been dragged along to by a friend who wants to get off with the flatmate of the
guy whose birthday it is. Hey! Have you ever heard Boards of Canada? They’re
amazing; I’ll burn you a CD."
"Normally on the first few dates I borrow mannerisms from the more interesting
people I know and very often steal phrases and anecdotes from them along with
concepts and ideas from obscure yet wittily-written books. It makes me appear
more attractive and personable than I actually am. With you, however, I’m going
to be a belligerent old shit from the very beginning. That’s because I like you
and feel ready to give you honesty. Belligerent old shit (M, 53)"
"When not in my London city office overseeing the day-to-day business of my
successful accountancy firm, I can be found leaning inside taxi cabs, spitting
wild obscenities and challenging the drivers to fisticuffs."
Now you’ve seen the funniest dating personal ads on the web, see if you can do
better with your own phone dating chat welcome